I grew up believing in God. Believing that someone is watching over you and taking care of you. I grew up believing that God would never give you any challenges that you can't handle, as long as you keep that faith, and thus, that no matter how much difficult the challenge put in front of you, God believes you can overcome them. Having grown up believing that, having had those beliefs constantly ingrained into me, can it really be that how I can find myself starting to lose the faith?
Last night after I hang up the phone I felt that heaven and earth was collapsing in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was my mom on the other line informing me that her big C had showed up again and she needs another treatment. This was too much for me to take. Two year ago, on my birthday, just as I was about to go out for dinner, she called me to let me know she had been diagnose with big C. It was my worst birthday ever - not because she told me on my birthday but simply because I knew what she had. We kept positive outlook, and after treatments and an operation, the doctors diagnosed her as big C free. She remained that way for over a year.
But last night was a different story.
What the fuck is this? Why her? If God is really is watching us, then why would He let this happen to her, a good, faithful person, and not to the worst person on earth? Why are criminals and molesters and perverts priest and terrorist and murderers and the financial criminal who have ruined so many lives with the current economy allowed to go on with their lives? I cried the entire night asking this questions. I am worried for her. And I am scared of losing her.
I hate to lose my faith in Him but I'm really scared. I may be the best daughter, we may not have the best mother/daughter relationship and there may have been many strains between us, but I love my mother and I don't want to lose her. I hope that she will defeat this again, just like she did two years ago. I HOPE. But can I pray?
Last night after I hang up the phone I felt that heaven and earth was collapsing in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was my mom on the other line informing me that her big C had showed up again and she needs another treatment. This was too much for me to take. Two year ago, on my birthday, just as I was about to go out for dinner, she called me to let me know she had been diagnose with big C. It was my worst birthday ever - not because she told me on my birthday but simply because I knew what she had. We kept positive outlook, and after treatments and an operation, the doctors diagnosed her as big C free. She remained that way for over a year.
But last night was a different story.
What the fuck is this? Why her? If God is really is watching us, then why would He let this happen to her, a good, faithful person, and not to the worst person on earth? Why are criminals and molesters and perverts priest and terrorist and murderers and the financial criminal who have ruined so many lives with the current economy allowed to go on with their lives? I cried the entire night asking this questions. I am worried for her. And I am scared of losing her.
I hate to lose my faith in Him but I'm really scared. I may be the best daughter, we may not have the best mother/daughter relationship and there may have been many strains between us, but I love my mother and I don't want to lose her. I hope that she will defeat this again, just like she did two years ago. I HOPE. But can I pray?
I am so sorry about your mom. I can't imagine. Sorry you are in such pain. I know if I feel bad just reading this, how much more does God cry with you. He does care. I can't answer all or maybe any of your questions, but I pray that He will reveal Himself in a real way to you and your mom at this time. The Word says, "And whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, *that the Father may be glorified in the Son*" WE don't know why bad things happen, other than there is sin and decay in the world. But He says, Though you go through tribulation, I am with you. Anyway, easy for me to say, since I've never gone through any of this. Just wanted to stick up for God a little. Bless you! DAwn
ReplyDeletehey sweetie~
ReplyDeleteI know that nothing I can say will make all of this scary shit go away, but please know that I am thinking of you, and your mom. Please keep us posted on her treatment, and progress, and let us know when she is again C free~
xo
Dawn & Mimi,
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for the very thoughtful comments. It means a lot to me.
happy friday lovely~
ReplyDeleteany news on your mom? hope all is well for both of you.
xo
what a terrible event to have to write about. I hope that you can both find what you need to make your peace with each other, that way the praying and the anger won't be so hard to bear.
ReplyDelete